Dogs Are Disgusting

God, my dog is gross sometimes. I’ve been trying to vigilantly control what Sugar eats because I think, based on lots of odd things that have happened in the last year, that she’s got a systemic yeast infection. So I’m switching her to a grain-free food and am trying to keep her from eating ANYTHING other than that. This is practically impossible. She is a beagle. The only times she’s ever misbehaved in the eight years I’ve had the privilege of being her human have involved food. Even when I try my very hardest to keep all food away from her. Many times have we been on a walk and she’ll root something out and down it so fast that I just have to shrug and hope she doesn’t die. Kids (and misbehaving friends) like feeding her because it makes her so happy. And she’s SNEAKY:

1. Weeks after I brought her home, I had a rotisserie chicken for dinner. I put the carcass in the trash can. I went out. I came back. The basket I was foolishly using as a trash receptacle (I tied it closed!) was overturned and ALL OF THE TRASH WAS GONE. “OMG I KILLED MY DOG!” I said to the vet on the phone. They said the bones were still soft enough that she’d be fine. Well, “fine,” as in “no need to go to the vet.” She wasn’t really “fine” for a few days.

2. One time I left half a pizza unattended on the coffee table. That disappeared, too. I can still see the look in Sugar’s eye that said “That was good, but now it hurts – help?” and the giant roundness of her belly. “OMG I KILLED MY DOG!” I told the vet. She was fine.

3. Another time she used her magical powers to retrieve a bag of caramel Hershey’s Kisses from a basket on a tall foyer table. She unwrapped a few and then just ate the rest, wrapped. “OMG I KILLED MY DOG!” I told the vet. She was fine. Prob not too comfortable with the tinfoil wrappers and the other end, though.

4. Shug stayed with Sherpa while I was away for work. He called me not once, but twice, to tell me she’d raided his trash can and eaten chicken wing bones. “OMG I KILLED JEN’S DOG!” He told the vet. That one was a little riskier, but we just waited for the “end results” and when we got them, she was fine. We have since had to rig a cabinet blockage system for when she’s at his house alone. Oh and then there was the time with the almonds…

5. Sugar was at a friend’s house all day once. When I came home Shug had her face buried in her friend Sam’s bowl. Sam is a Bernese Mountain Dog. His dish is almost as big as she is. I thought she’d just snuck over to it before I got there. In the end my neuroticism landed us in the doggy ER at 5AM for chest x-rays because she was having trouble breathing. The x-ray tech said, “Her lungs are fine, but there is a LOT of food in her stomach…”

Flash forward to this weekend. Dog and I stayed at my parents’ house overnight because I was having a fundraiser party at my brother’s house. I dropped her at the house, ran an errand, and came back to find a destroyed mouse trap and little gray bits scattered across the living room. Awesome. Then, in the morning after we got back to my house, she found a gross rancid hot dog just laying in the grass behind my building. What is a hot dog doing laying in the grass?! Seriously. So I had to wrestle a mushy hot dog from her steel jaws. FOUL.

Joys of dog-ownership.


3 thoughts on “Dogs Are Disgusting”

  1. Oh yes, they are wiley ones. Best of luck keeping Sugar the Wonder Beagle away from all the food you don’t want her to eat. 🙂
    This weekend we had my in-laws over for dinner, and as we were saying our good nights, Ginger ate the remaining half of an angel food cake I had left on the counter. And she begs for sour patch kids (my husband’s doing). And she like to catch the mail as it comes through the slot in the door – and shred it.
    Bear, on the other hand, will eat ANYTHING: sticks, a grill brush, shoes, plastic cap from a bottle, his own food bowl, blankets, his own collar.
    My old dog, Guinness who is now RIP, was the master! Rotting food, dead squirrels, whole chicken breast bones, the Thanksgiving turkey (her claim to fame)!! She survived all of them, while we called the doggie ED and watched her all night. Love the crazy doggies!

  2. FWIW, we kept Sam’s bowl away from her for the better part of that day… I think we’d only just given it back to him when she found her way to it! I still feel bad about that, I feel like it was my fault you had to take her to the ER. Poor Shuggy.

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